the best things in life are free

Recognition, appreciation, love, comfort, understanding, respect - we all thrive on them. What's even better is that they are free. And as a gift they cost nothing. But the deal is this: you have to give first. After that, the more you give, the more you get. For some reason it doesn't work the other way around. You can wait a long time to get if you are unwilling to give first. It's all about opening up, putting yourself out there, going out on a limb, and then enjoying all that comes back.

And it's gratifying both ways, for the recipient as well as the receiver. That's why volunteering is so rewarding. Or gift giving. Or helping. Or praising your employee or student for a job well done.  Do you know how good it feels when someone says to me "how can I help?" That question in itself is a gift. So give, give, and give some more. You may just like what comes back.

deep listening

Deep anything is about doing whatever you are doing more thoughtfully, more mindfully, focused on the task, not thinking about the past nor the future. You can practice Deep Living, Deep Speaking, Deep Playing or Deep Walking. It's like a doing meditation or a mindfulness practice. Deep Listening is listening to your partner with an ear to her story, her needs, her feelings. When you listen to someone deeply you hear where they come from, you open your heart to them, you respond to their needs. Here an example of listening and responding shallowly: You: "I just twisted my ankle." Me: "Oh no. You know, that happened to me last winter, and I went to the doctor, and the doctor....blablabla." In this case I am not tuning into what you just said, instead following my own narrative. This is Shallow Listening, something we all do all the time.

Here an attempt at listening and responding deeply: You: "I just twisted my ankle."  Me: "Oh no, that must have hurt. What happened? (pause to let you respond)  Is there anything I can do for you?"

The difference is a shift from the me perspective to the we perspective.  Deep Listening tunes 100% into your partner.  It really deepens relationships.

drop the hammer

As a young manager I used to be stern, demanding and forceful because I thought that that conveyed authority. I still tend to say things twice in a row with different words when I want to get a point across to my children.  But I am beginning to learn that people get it even when I don't hit them over the head with a hammer.              As a matter of fact, we (and animals, too, by the way) get it even better when we formulate a request in the affirmative. How would you prefer to be corrected? "Stop yelling" or "I can hear you well?" I ask my daughter to use her "morning voice" when she speaks loudly at the breakfast table. She gets it.

I read that the universe doesn't understand the "not" part. We are similar, as are animals. We understand better what another person wants (and it sounds much nicer, too) if she says in kind words what she wants, instead of reprimanding what she is critical of. Instead of "don't be late" why not try "please be on time, we begin at 8AM sharp?"   Instead of "your table manners are terrible" try "fork in the left and knife in the right hand." Instead of "you forgot your homework again (grumble grumble)" try "it makes my life a lot easier if you hand your homework in on time, and I can give you a better grade, too."  Instead of "don't you scratch my couch" try "here is a great scratching post for you."

Drop the hammer, pick up a feather.

you do have a choice

               Oftentimes we don't realize that we have a choice, we simply react and do, because we are on autopilot. But we do. We have a choice of how to react to someone or to something. I was in a meditation class last night and another attendee explained how potholes make him very angry, and how they trigger the same reaction in him every time.  He gets so mad at the authorities for not doing anything about springtime holes in the road. It is quite liberating to realize that you have a choice of how to react. You could of course become angry every time you encounter a pothole, but that becomes silly after a while, and it's not of much use. You upset yourself and the pothole doesn't improve. You could call up the authorities and make them aware of a particularly large and deep pothole that endangers other drivers as well (I did that a few years back and they actually filled the pothole in question pretty quickly). That is empowering - but you can't call up about every pothole. Or you could decide that you no longer wanted to react to that emotional pothole anger trigger and just let it go. So what? It's just a pothole, big deal. Choices....

Some choices are more painful than others. When our head struggles with our heart, and when the head wins and the heart loses it creates even more pain. But the choice is still your's.  Consider taking a deep breath before reacting to an emotional trigger person, your mother-in-law or perhaps the noisy neighbor, then remember that you don't have to react with anger, that it is your choice. The ego is reactionary and wants revenge, but at what cost? Tit for tat, of course. The higher self will say "forget about it, it's unimportant, let it go, forgive." That's a more freeing choice.

act of random kindness

A few days ago I had to take my car back to the auto body shop to fix a small chip-off I had previously overlooked when they repaired some deer damage. When I came to pick up the car and pulled out my wallet they said "no charge." I was floored. I had never before experienced an act of random kindness (although this wasn't entirely random) and was so surprised and grateful. It was amazing how this little event lifted and improved my mood for the rest of the day.  Don't underestimate the enormous influence, good and bad, you have on all the people you encounter during the day.  Your attitude reverberates out and out because it not only infects the people you have direct contact with, but also influences those next down the line and on and on.  Imagine how much good a smile, a kind word, a helping hand or a word of encouragement can do.

more compassion, less hubris

Compassionate communication is about respecting the other person, trying to understand her feelings and motives, and responding with consideration and empathy.

This past week, as SONY's dilemma about the movie The Interview was unfolding I noticed some comments on social media that struck me as particularly one sided. I read things like "the US never backs down" and "if we give in we are compromising our freedom of speech."

There is a fine line between exercising freedom of speech and hurting or disrespecting others. Freedom of speech does not mean brash disregard or lack of respect for someone who thinks differently. After all, how would you feel if someone said to your face "that is some ugly outfit you're wearing?" Would you really think "she is entitled to voice her opinion, I am totally ok with hearing that?" No, you would find it offensive if someone spoke to you like that, and you would probably say so.

Just saying….                                        ...please also revisit an earlier post on compassionate communication.

imaginary enemies

"You make enemies, they don't really exist," my wise 13-year old daughter said the other day while we were driving to the library.    Did you nod your head just now, or did you think "huh?" Here's the thing, at least from my perspective. Our beliefs shape our reality, and our reality, at least to a large extent, shapes itself around our beliefs. Suppose you feel really vulnerable and are fearful of someone breaking into your house. If this is a prevailing thought you play over and over in your mind, you may well be setting yourself up to experience just what you fear.

When you understand the world around you as dangerous and adversarial, when you see people as "other" and treat them with mistrust because "well, you never know," when you believe you need to fight a cause or someone, you are making imaginary enemies. That is why some of our ways don't work so well, because we "fight" an illness, we "fight" pests and weeds, we "fight" obesity, we "fight back."

Instead, let's cooperate, let's work together, let's try to understand, let's try to be compassionate - with others, with ourselves, with the environment. If you put out with your thoughts, beliefs and expectations more of what you actually want to experience you will get more of that back.   They had a point in the 60s when they said to make love not war.  Enemies are imaginary because we make them up in our mind.      Also take a look at an earlier related post "love those germs."

lousy emotional reactions

"How other people react is their karma, how you react is your's," my yoga teacher said a while ago. When the supermarket cashier is grumpy or the boutique salesperson is curt I find it unpleasant and it makes me uncomfortable. When someone is angry I tend to take it personally and think the anger is directed at me. Most of us react that way. But it helps to put emotional reactions into perspective.

Imagine your boss just reprimanded you for submitting your report late. When you step out of that office you feel pretty lousy and might snap at the first person that comes along. Remember, though, the one who feels lousy is you, not your coworker who happens to walk down the hallway. If you snap at your coworker she probably thinks that she did something wrong, when instead something happened to you. See how intertwined we are?

It helps so much to be aware of our emotional reactions in order to diffuse them before they cause damage. How about taking a few deep breaths, going to the bathroom or the coffee station for a brief break, or being honest with your coworker and saying "My boss just chewed me out and I kind of feel lousy right now, do you want to have a cup of coffee with me?"

So back to the top. You can quickly and easily do a whole lot of damage with a crappy reaction, or you can choose to prevent a whole lot of damage by diffusing negative emotions.

the war against evil?

Have you ever wondered why there is so much warfare, strife, and conflict out there? Mother Teresa supposedly replied to an invitation to participate in an anti-war demonstration by saying: "You can invite me when you are planning a pro-peace event." The perspective is fundamentally different.

Ask yourself how you think. We tend to be against certain politics, hate such-and-such a person, dislike fish, mind the rain, despise the humidity, or have a dust allergy. In summary, we very much know everything we don't like. The problem with that perspective is that it creates adversity and conflict, inside ourselves and outside in the world around us. It reinforces the negative. When we can't get along with our neighbor because he mows his lawn at odd hours, and we dislike him for it and stop talking to him, we create conflict. When we can't have a spirited but civil dinner table conversation with a person of the other political party, we create conflict. When we spray pesticides on the little critters in the garden, we create conflict. When we forbid our children certain activities or certain behavior, it creates conflict.

How about looking at it the other way round, in the affirmative? This refocuses our outlook on what we like, on what we want, and want more of. How about rewarding your children (even just with kind words) for the type of behavior you would like to see more of? How about marching for peace? How about modeling the behavior you would like to see in others? How about making a list of all the things and people you do appreciate? How about remembering everything that went right today?

The war within and without keep going if we keep feeding the fire. How about starving that fire, instead?

my favorite word is "sure"

That's what my friend said a few days ago. And she is right.  Can you imagine how easy your life became if everyone of your requests was answered with "sure?"

Imagine you asked your son to clean up his room and put away his clothes, and he replied "sure."

Imagine you asked your coworker to help you figure out some computer problem that has been bugging you for days, and she answered "sure."

Imagine you called the plumber to fix your leaky faucet and asked him whether he could come tonight at five, and he said "sure."

Imagine you asked your boss for a reasonable and well-earned raise, and she simply said "sure."

Imagine you asked a friend to help you move a heavy item over the week-end, and he said "sure."

Yesterday afternoon I was relaxing with the newspaper. I had about fifteen minutes before I needed to get dinner going in time to leave for an evening meeting. Just then my daughter asked for help pulling her spring clothes down, and putting her winter clothes up and away, something we had been wanting to do for a few days.   I grumbled something, I didn't want to be bothered, I stuck my head back into the paper, then I remembered that little magical word "sure,".................and went up to help her.  She was so happy and surprised and said "I thought you weren't gonna help me?"

By saying "sure" you say "yes" to life.