opening the door

             It's easy to post an opinion or a judgment out there on social media because nobody sits across from you and looks you in the eyes.  It may get rid of pent up anger or fear by throwing something out into cyberland.  But it doesn't open a real dialogue. 

            A true dialogue, and true healing, happens when we sit across from each other and see each other's humanness, our commonalities, when we share our dreams, whishes, and desires, but also our vulnerabilities, feelings, and emotions. 

            We are all entitled to our own opinions, and we don't have to agree with each other's views.  But discussing face-to-face how we feel, putting our fears out on the table, acknowledging our emotions, opens the doors to a dialogue, to listening, to respecting each other's thinking, to finding out that we usually have more commonalities than differences.

            Listening deeply opens up a space.   Open the door to peace and dialogue - it begins in your own heart.

how to move forward

             We are so used to win-lose scenarios that we have a hard time embracing that everyone can potentially win.  Regardless of which side of the fence you sat on during the election, let me list the many commonalities we all share.  We all prefer predictability to uncertainty; we all are entitled to a steady and assured source of income so we can live a life of dignity and without financial worries; we need to know that we're safe and that our justice system works for all, not just for some; we all prefer a clean and healthy environment so we can drink the water, breathe the air, and eat the foods grown in its soil without concern for our health; we are all entitled to affordable or free health care.  Beyond those basic physical needs we should have free or affordable education (it's to everybody's benefit), we should all be able to express our opinions freely and without repercussions, practice our religious or sexual preference without worry, and be treated equally regardless of the color of our skin, eyes or hair.  That's a lot we can agree on.

             With those commonalities in mind we need to move forward with win-win scenarios and agency.  "We, the people" is you and I, not some abstract entity.  The government may be a vehicle for democracy, but we, you and I, are the checks and balances for the government.  You and I must take charge, be responsible for upholding the principles of our democracy, formulate the future we wish for ourselves, our community, and our country.   As Kennedy said " Ask not....", well you know what he said.  Most importantly the solutions must work for all.  The crucial realization is that this requires compromise.  If you cannot agree with your spouse on what to do this Friday evening you're just going to sit home and do nothing.  If your spouse wants to go to the movies and you want to eat out, and you can't agree, well, you can either have a fight, or one can try to win the other over, which leaves the other partner disgruntled.  If you can compromise and agree to meet in the middle, perhaps go to the movies this Friday, and eat out next Friday, you can both have a good time and you both win.  

            Taking charge and being involved, as well as compromising for the greater good of all will be very important from here on in.  Please reread an older post on win-win scenarios.

the fox's secret

              You may have heard it said that we need to drop from the head to the heart, or that the mind sometimes gets in the way.  But what does that actually mean?  Antoine de St. Exupéry's The Little Prince is a philosophical chef d'oeuvre full of great quotes.  One of my favorites, the one that hangs on my fridge, is this one:  "It is only with the heart that one can see rightly.  What is essential is invisible to the eye." 

            When it comes to decision making our rational-analytical mind sidesteps our feelings and decides strictly with the head, the left side of the brain, the math and science side.  It foregoes checking in with the heart.  Initially, we may believe that that's wise, and when solving a math equation it's essential.  But in many instances our heart, our feelings, provide complementary, and sometimes contradictory information to the mind, that is valuable to consider, and can be really helpful - the "seeing rightly" part of the quote.

            We can't see emotions and feelings, they are "invisible to the eye," yet they are essential to our human condition.   We have all made mind based decisions we have regretted later on because we disregarded the heart, so keep the fox's secret in mind, or rather in your heart.

giddy and livid

           Our culture is not very feelings and emotions oriented.  While there are many words to express them in the English language they are mostly part of our passive vocabulary.  That means that we understand the word when we read or hear it, but don't use it actively in conversation.

            Because we live so removed from our emotions, we don't understand the purpose of them very much and are ill equipped to name them.  Feelings and emotions express themselves both physically and mentally, such as a heaviness in the chest, or a lightness of being.  Understanding not only your own, but also someone else's emotions about an event or occurrence improvs relationships tremendously.  The same event may be perceived completely differently by two people.  If the boss yells at a subordinate for submitting an assignment late the boss feels aggravated, angered, perhaps fears retribution from higher up. Depending on why the assignment was submitted late the subordinate may feel all kinds of emotions - relief at being finally finished, dissatisfied with himself for being unable to submit on time, unnerved because the assignment was hard and took longer than expected, burnt out because he was up all night.  Who knows.  Empathy and trying to put yourself in the other person's shoes always changes the perspective.  It helps to learn putting into worlds what we feel.

            Here are a few neat feeling words to say out loud, savor, reflect on their meaning, and perhaps sometime even use them.

Lousy emotional connections and compassionate communication are two previous posts on emotions.

shut them off

          Oh boy is it easy to look for entertainment and distraction on your computer or cellphone.  Facebook, my email in box or Instagram can seem quite interesting when I'm supposed to be working.  Just a quick look, maybe something fun or important came in, I'll go right back to work.  Or a quick phone check while you're with friends, or before bed, or God forbid at the dinner table.  You never know, emergencies do happen, maybe someone really needs to reach me right now.  It drives me nuts when I see a party around a restaurant table all staring into their phones instead of enjoying each others' company.  Or a parent at the playground more interested in their phone than their toddler.  Or a ringing cellphone in the middle of yoga class, and worse during savasana.

            Recently a woman was killed in Manhattan when she walked across the street tapping away on her phone and failed to see the oncoming car.  Shut them off every once in a while, those devices, and enjoy your kids, your dinner partners or your yoga class.   Close your email and internet while you're working.   Here a related former blog post on being in the moment.  One last thought - your behavior is a model for your children.  

say yes!

            "The secret of change is to focus all your energy not on fighting the old, but on building the new," Dan Millman's fictional counselor Socrates said in Millman's Way of the Peaceful Warrior.  This is profound and cannot be said often enough - I must have written several blog posts along those lines, all saying the same thing in different words.

            The universe doesn't hear the word "no," it leaves it out, it simply ignores it; so do animals, people, and especially young children.  Guess what they do when you say "Don't jump around on the couch."  Guess what your cat does when you keep saying, with a look towards that couch, "Don't scratch that couch!"  Guess what you do when the boss says "Don't do it this way."  You'd rather not listen because it doesn't feel good being criticized.  Besides, the boss didn't define how he actually wanted it done.  But guess what you do when the boss says "That report was written just the way I wanted it, thank you for a job well done."  You listen, you acknowledge, and you do more of the same because you love being praised and praise feels good.

            So - when it comes to anything, be it children's behavior, employee behavior, your own health, life, define clearly what you want, not want you don't want, and move in that direction.  Move forward instead of looking backwards.  That way you get more of what you want because the universe gets it.

do you kythe?

            This intriguing word kything means telepathic communication.  My daughter and I previously took a workshop in animal communication because we were interested in "speaking" with our cats.  We weren't too enthusiastic because it seemed to require a lot of practice.  Recently a kything workshop came up locally.   Kything is usually used to communicate with non-verbal people (i.e. in a coma, severely autistic, or otherwise unable to speak) or deceased loved ones; but I inquired whether it could be useful in communicating with animals and was told it was. 

            Lo and behold, it's not too difficult, although practice makes perfect of course.  We practiced dropping from the head into the heart, just like you would for meditation, and getting out of the way of our mind's chatter.  Then we established a line of communication by simple thought - name the animal or person and hold them in your mind.  Next we learned to offer a positive loving thought about our partner to establish heartfelt communication without agenda.  This needs to be a constructive thought about what your partner might need emotionally, such as "You are loving kindness," or "You are radiantly healthy." Keep repeating it mantra style in your mind.  With animals just like with people it is crucial to formulate your "mantra" in the affirmative. "You are whole" instead of "You are no longer sick," or "Your heart is open" or "I miss you" as opposed to "Don't shut me out of you heart."  One of our cats came from the shelter several years ago and still gobbles treats up so fast that he regurgitates them out of fear that there might not be enough.  So my daughter put out " There is enough." You may get a message back right away, or not.  Keep trying.  Both my daughter and I established channels with our cats and with each other quite quickly, and you know it's not your imagination when you feel your partner's energy.

            Try it sometime.  Our cat kept his tuna fish treat down yesterday.

love is in the air

                    Coming from Europe, where Valentine's Day is not taken too seriously, I used to find it, well a bit corny.  To illustrate the importance of Valentine's Day in this country in comparison:  In last Sunday's social Q&A in the NY Times Styles section a woman expressed feelings of insecurity and dejectedness because her boyfriend had scheduled some sports competition for Valentine's Day, would have to go to bed early on Saturday night and presumably fall into bed exhausted on Sunday.  What was she to do, all alone on Valentine's Day?

                   Maybe the answer lies somewhere in between buying your loved one a diamond every Valentine's Day and scheduling a sports event when you know this day is important for her, a happy medium between forced commercialism and meaningful relationship affirmation.  Relationships take effort, and expressing and reiterating our appreciation and love for our partner is important, whether the calendar says Valentine's Day or not.  Personally, I think that overpriced and overcrowded restaurants are not the place to go on Valentine's Day.  But celebrations are always great fun, and another excuse for doing something special is wonderful, in whatever way, shape or form you chose to do so.  For the past few years we have organized a red themed family dinner at home, with each family member in charge of preparing one red course.

             What are your plans?

face-to-face is best

                  Phone conversations and Go-To Meetings are one thing.  Sure, they save time, money and energy, and permit easy communication across long distances.  Facetime, Skype and other apps that permit you to see your communication partner are better.  But nothing beats an actual face-to-face, whether in a business or private situation. 

               Real people, deep communication.  There is simply no substitute for experiencing your partner's emotions, facial expressions, body language and, dare I say, vibes.  We pick up so much information subconsciously from eye expressions, gestures, body language and energetic qualities that simply gets lost otherwise.  Without face-to-face contact we easily misconstrue and misunderstand because we literally don't get the full picture.  When we are together face-to-face we experience the whole person, seen and unseen aspects, and get the complete picture.  Would you rather have dinner with a screen apparition of your friend or the real thing?  There is a reason for business lunches and dinners, for meetings, for business travel.  A virtual  experience will never be the same as the real thing and the cost savings may not always be worth it.

on forgiving

I find forgiveness incredibly important. Forgiveness is the key to avoid carrying grudge, resentment, anger, and all those other unpleasant low frequency feelings around with us, embedded in our cells for ever. It's not about forgetting what happened on this day, not about shoving it under the rug, but forgiving and overcoming helps to move forward. Stuck energy becomes stale. It feels good to let go and release. It makes you feel lighter. Like when you have cried your heart out, then sobbed some, then eventually the tears stopped flowing, and finally you were ready to take a deep breath. It feels so cleansing, so calming, and a bit like a fresh beginning.