how's your memory?

A few days ago I attended a brief seminar on memory improvement. Two interesting points, in common with Holistic Living, came up.

The first one was presented in the context of techniques for remembering names when meeting new people. Matthew Goerke, the speaker and an expert in memory development, explained what meditation teachers are always stressing, that the untrained mind is like a wild horse. It goes wherever it wants to - not necessarily where you or I want it to go. Without intent and focus a person's name basically goes into one ear and out your other because your mind is meanwhile chattering about your to-do list for the afternoon or that you'd really like a tuna fish sandwich for lunch. Key is to take control of your mind, to be in the Here and Now, to tune into the person you are meeting, to repeat her name with focus and intent while shaking hands. Chances are you'll remember her name again when your paths cross in the supermarket aisle, instead of remembering the face vaguely, but neither where you met nor her name.

The other point had to do with the beliefs we subconsciously hold about ourselves and how, in this case, they impact your memory.  You might say or think "I have a hard time remembering things," or "My memory is getting worse the older I get." This type of running internal commentary is like a mantra and becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy if repeated often enough.  Instead, begin to repeat how you'd actually like to be, even if you have to fake it before you truly believe it (our minds can't distinguish between the two, so "fake it 'til you make it" is good advice).  Better to keep saying to yourself and others "I have great memory," or "My memory is getting better every day."  If you repeat it often enough this, too, becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.

No need for ginkgo biloba. Instead, be mindful and focused (tell your mind where you want it, keep the reins tight), and think and speak what you do want (a great memory in this case), not what you don't want or fear (such as "I keep forgetting things," or "I can never remember names").

When Matthew Goerke asked us at the seminar "How's your memory?" we learned that our answer should be "Great."

right or wrong?

We easily tend to judge something as right or wrong - after all we live in a dualistic world and can't avoid seeing our existence through juxtapositions.  Good and bad, black and white, cold and warm.  It seems only natural to take sides, argue, condemn, judge, and feel bad when someone doesn't share our opinion.  But it helps to see the other person's perspective to understand how silly some arguments are, and how what we thought was "wrong" ends up being "right" from a different viewpoint. Let me put that into perspective.  A few years ago my sister and I had a discussion  over towel drying logistics - this was before I stopped using my clothes dryer.  I argued that dryer dried towels felt so good because they were soft, which conveyed to me the feeling of "freshly washed."  On the contrary, my sister, who doesn't have a dryer, said (most Europeans actually don't).  Her scratchy and stiff line dried towels give her that feeling of "freshly laundered," she explained, because soft towels leave the impression that they have been used and need to be washed.   Ok, point well taken. A few years later, when energy costs went through the roof, I woke up and stopped using my drier in favor of drying racks (air and sunshine are for free, electricity is not) - and lo and behold, my attitude changed 180^o and I found myself adopting her position.

Wars are fought over such "rights" and "wrongs."  We know the familiar arguments over toothpaste tube rolling up, or not, and how to insert the toilet paper roll into the holder, with the paper down the front or the back.  Try putting yourself in the other shoes next time you are ready to judge a person for their nose ring, their opinion, their hair color (blue anyone?), or their religion.

do not ask your children

“Do not ask your children

to strive for extraordinary lives.

Such striving may seem admirable,

but it is the way of foolishness.

Help them instead to find the wonder

and the marvel of an ordinary life.

Show them the joy of tasting

tomatoes, apples and pears.

Show them how to cry

when pets and people die.

Show them the infinite pleasure

in the touch of a hand.

And make the ordinary come alive for them.

The extraordinary will take care of itself.”

                                                                                    William Martin

heart stuff

"All spirituality is is the path of the heart," says Marianne Williamson. On this Valentine's Day, day of love and day of hearts, let's remember that no amount of material things (diamonds, chocolates, flowers) can replace true expressions of love.

What might those be?  Expressions of love come from an open heart.  A few examples are speaking kind words you really mean ("You always look so pretty,"  "I couldn't have done a better job."), empathetic gestures (a slight touch on the arm, a sweet kiss, a long warm look), encouragement ("I knew you could do this"), true compassion (being a good Samaritan), wanting to be of service ("May I show you how to do this?" or "Is there any way I can help?").

Opening your heart opens your mind and opens your life.  So let's try to be a little spiritual today.

it's your choice

Whether you look at your teacup half full or half empty, whether you react to the grumpy cashier at the check-out line with compassion (she is having a bad day, who knows what happened at home), or send her angry signal right back to her with an irritated reaction - the choice is always your's.    Your reactions come from  your beliefs.  Every thought in your mind is a cause to an effect down the road. I mentioned in a recent related post that researchers found that depressed people are depressed because they have negative thoughts; they do not have negative thoughts because they are depressed.  That difference is crucial!   Why?  Because you can change your thoughts - once you are aware of them.

Untitled

Once we accept the responsibility of our thoughts, and that they create our reality, we are no longer at their mercy.  Telling your mind what to think or not to think is one of the things that meditation teaches.  If you do not rein your mind in it gallops away with whatever comes along - and that can create a reality that is out of your control and not to your liking.  Or you can dig deeper into yourself and become aware of what you are actually thinking.

Think about it.

my child, my teacher

The traditional perspective was that children should be seen but not heard, meaning children are supposedly lesser people because they are young and inexperienced.   Watching children these days I am occasionally wondering whether some parents are now sending the exact opposite message by permitting their children just about anything, showering them with material stuff, failing to teach them respect and social manners, worshipping them endlessly and providing no gauge or boundaries - basically granting them adult style freedom. But I am headed elsewhere yet.  I believe that we can actually learn from our children even though they are indeed much younger and have less life experience (on the surface).

First of all, especially young children react in a socially unfiltered way, they speak truthfully and to the point (refer to The Emperor's New Clothes) without trying to spare people's feelings.  Secondly, from a spiritual perspective our children are our peers because as spirit beings (in a material body) we are all equal.  We could go further yet, into the idea of reincarnation.   Here we get into potential role reversals and the possibility that your child might have been your parent, mentor or partner in another lifetime.  Intriguing.

When my daughter was 10 we had a deep and spiritual conversation about defining health and healing and how it was more a mental than a physical thing, and in conclusion she burst out "we'll then no one is healthy, not even a doctor."   Children can be downright wise.  Next time your child says something that upsets or irritates you at first blush, do listen, completely, and try to see their side, where they are coming from.  Often we think we know better, but sometimes they actually do.

let's talk turkey

Since everyone else will be writing about thankfulness I will write about another aspect that comes up with a lot family togetherness, and that is communication. Communication and conversation can be learned and cultivated.  Yet, when we get together with family members on special occasions we tend to replay old relationship records, and those don't always make for the best communication patterns.

Oftentimes we know what sets off certain close relatives.  Some people thrive on the controversy that arises when we push each others' buttons, others look for an expected reaction, sometimes we just operate from a groove we have been grinding deeper and deeper, a relationship groove in acting out and perpetuating certain roles.  Philip Galanes of the NY Times responded to just such a query in a recent column and recommended adding some new faces to the Thanksgiving people mix to change the chemistry around.

A really good exercise is to put yourself in the other person's shoes because we usually operate from our own emotional needs (not the other person's, we are so egocentric).  When I get upset because a family member put the toilet paper roll in the "wrong" way I am upset at my own unmet need for the toilet paper roll to hang my way, so the paper hangs down the front (and is easier to grab).  So it goes with all our communications and emotional reactions.

In the practice of nonviolent or compassionate communication (which takes a long long time to get used to, practice and acquire because it goes so against the grain of our culture) we try to understand and address the other person's emotional needs and where they come from when they speak.  Something to think about when we sit around the turkey table tomorrow.

spontaneous acts of kindness

"Ma'am, your burger has been paid for. "  When I see articles on positive cultural observations in the newspaper, as opposed to reports on catastrophes, calamities or simply negative observations, I am hopeful that we may be on the right track.  The track to what you may be wondering? The negative stuff is so pervasive in our culture and the media.  We get this quick jolt of negative energy, similar to a sugar high, then it's over and in the long run that constant stream of negativity is draining.

So back to the positive stuff.  The NY Times had a wonderful article this week-end on the apparently increasing occurrence of spontaneous acts of generosity.  Totally gratuitous, these acts do not come from a calculated expectation of something in return, but rather a spontaneous opening of the heart to others. This is more where we're headed - eventually - if I interpret the signs correctly - more empathy, more kindness, more opening of our hearts to others.

Any idea for a spontaneous act of kindness?

what if you had chosen your parents?

I always think that a radically different perspective helps us adjust our outlook on things.  I know the thought of choosing your parents might sound crazy to some or many of you.  But then I have made it my business to further our/your/my thinking and help change our current cultural thinking because much of it has become stale and ossified (I like that word) and could use some refreshing. Do you have an axe or two to grind with your parents?  We easily blame them for what they sent us into this world with; for what they did or didn't do.  Looking at it from a different perspective helps.  As my yoga teacher Aura Lehrer said recently "life is not about right or wrong, life brings you experiences and opportunities."

So think about your parents from that opposite perspective, not the one in which you are the victim, but the one in which you are the recipient of a valuable quality or trait or ability or realization.

I have a lot to be thankful for from my parents. They have been lifelong learners and taught me to become a critical thinker.  We lived in different countries when I was young and so I learned to love traveling, discovering different cultures and how people do things elsewhere, and to explore and enjoy the different foods all these cultures have brought forth.  On the other hand I could blame them for not being very emotional and showing their deep love and appreciation for me enough (they are kind of "Northern" in their emotional behavior - hiding their emotions and you have to read between the lines.

But parents can also teach you by default, by not showing you love or acceptance, or whatever else you think you need.  In that case their behavior may be making you aware of a quality you'd like to add to your life that is currently not there.  You could turn your attitude around and instead of blaming your parents for what they didn't give you, you could be grateful for making you aware of something you need that you are currently lacking.  By default my parents have taught me to tell my children all the time how much I love and appreciate them, something my parents never openly expressed - although they are changing a bit as they are becoming older.

So what if you had chosen your parents before incarnating (oh, another radical thought) in order to learn and become aware of specific themes you need to work on?  Just a thought....

life is here to make you better, not bitter

That's what my yoga teacher said the other day.  It's important to realize that people don't do things and or say things to annoy you.  People do whatever they do, and say whatever they say, from the perspective of their own emotional needs.

We all have common universal emotional needs, such as the needs for love, shelter, safety, nourishment, sleep; and we have more individualistic emotional needs for say beauty, peace, creativity, order, quiet, connection, community and so on.

We usually operate in an egocentric world and thus live from the perspective of our individual needs.   When those needs are not recognized or met we tend to get irritated, annoyed, impatient, angry, or even furious.  These emotions signal our own, not the other person's unmet needs.

When my daughter does her math homework slowly, methodically, not too neatly, I tend to become impatient and raise the tone of my voice.  That signals my unmet need for neatness and organization, and my self-imposed desire to get on with it and on to other activities.  I need to remind myself that I irritate myself, my daughter doesn't irritate me for the sake of irritating me.

So, instead of becoming bitter at others for supposedly annoying us all day long, hassling us, wanting to irritate and frustrate us, bitter at what life throws in our way, let's dig a bit deeper into those emotions.  Let them make us better, more compassionate and understanding.