love is in the air

                    Coming from Europe, where Valentine's Day is not taken too seriously, I used to find it, well a bit corny.  To illustrate the importance of Valentine's Day in this country in comparison:  In last Sunday's social Q&A in the NY Times Styles section a woman expressed feelings of insecurity and dejectedness because her boyfriend had scheduled some sports competition for Valentine's Day, would have to go to bed early on Saturday night and presumably fall into bed exhausted on Sunday.  What was she to do, all alone on Valentine's Day?

                   Maybe the answer lies somewhere in between buying your loved one a diamond every Valentine's Day and scheduling a sports event when you know this day is important for her, a happy medium between forced commercialism and meaningful relationship affirmation.  Relationships take effort, and expressing and reiterating our appreciation and love for our partner is important, whether the calendar says Valentine's Day or not.  Personally, I think that overpriced and overcrowded restaurants are not the place to go on Valentine's Day.  But celebrations are always great fun, and another excuse for doing something special is wonderful, in whatever way, shape or form you chose to do so.  For the past few years we have organized a red themed family dinner at home, with each family member in charge of preparing one red course.

             What are your plans?

face-to-face is best

                  Phone conversations and Go-To Meetings are one thing.  Sure, they save time, money and energy, and permit easy communication across long distances.  Facetime, Skype and other apps that permit you to see your communication partner are better.  But nothing beats an actual face-to-face, whether in a business or private situation. 

               Real people, deep communication.  There is simply no substitute for experiencing your partner's emotions, facial expressions, body language and, dare I say, vibes.  We pick up so much information subconsciously from eye expressions, gestures, body language and energetic qualities that simply gets lost otherwise.  Without face-to-face contact we easily misconstrue and misunderstand because we literally don't get the full picture.  When we are together face-to-face we experience the whole person, seen and unseen aspects, and get the complete picture.  Would you rather have dinner with a screen apparition of your friend or the real thing?  There is a reason for business lunches and dinners, for meetings, for business travel.  A virtual  experience will never be the same as the real thing and the cost savings may not always be worth it.

on forgiving

I find forgiveness incredibly important. Forgiveness is the key to avoid carrying grudge, resentment, anger, and all those other unpleasant low frequency feelings around with us, embedded in our cells for ever. It's not about forgetting what happened on this day, not about shoving it under the rug, but forgiving and overcoming helps to move forward. Stuck energy becomes stale. It feels good to let go and release. It makes you feel lighter. Like when you have cried your heart out, then sobbed some, then eventually the tears stopped flowing, and finally you were ready to take a deep breath. It feels so cleansing, so calming, and a bit like a fresh beginning.

the best things in life are free

Recognition, appreciation, love, comfort, understanding, respect - we all thrive on them. What's even better is that they are free. And as a gift they cost nothing. But the deal is this: you have to give first. After that, the more you give, the more you get. For some reason it doesn't work the other way around. You can wait a long time to get if you are unwilling to give first. It's all about opening up, putting yourself out there, going out on a limb, and then enjoying all that comes back.

And it's gratifying both ways, for the recipient as well as the receiver. That's why volunteering is so rewarding. Or gift giving. Or helping. Or praising your employee or student for a job well done.  Do you know how good it feels when someone says to me "how can I help?" That question in itself is a gift. So give, give, and give some more. You may just like what comes back.

deep listening

Deep anything is about doing whatever you are doing more thoughtfully, more mindfully, focused on the task, not thinking about the past nor the future. You can practice Deep Living, Deep Speaking, Deep Playing or Deep Walking. It's like a doing meditation or a mindfulness practice. Deep Listening is listening to your partner with an ear to her story, her needs, her feelings. When you listen to someone deeply you hear where they come from, you open your heart to them, you respond to their needs. Here an example of listening and responding shallowly: You: "I just twisted my ankle." Me: "Oh no. You know, that happened to me last winter, and I went to the doctor, and the doctor....blablabla." In this case I am not tuning into what you just said, instead following my own narrative. This is Shallow Listening, something we all do all the time.

Here an attempt at listening and responding deeply: You: "I just twisted my ankle."  Me: "Oh no, that must have hurt. What happened? (pause to let you respond)  Is there anything I can do for you?"

The difference is a shift from the me perspective to the we perspective.  Deep Listening tunes 100% into your partner.  It really deepens relationships.

drop the hammer

As a young manager I used to be stern, demanding and forceful because I thought that that conveyed authority. I still tend to say things twice in a row with different words when I want to get a point across to my children.  But I am beginning to learn that people get it even when I don't hit them over the head with a hammer.              As a matter of fact, we (and animals, too, by the way) get it even better when we formulate a request in the affirmative. How would you prefer to be corrected? "Stop yelling" or "I can hear you well?" I ask my daughter to use her "morning voice" when she speaks loudly at the breakfast table. She gets it.

I read that the universe doesn't understand the "not" part. We are similar, as are animals. We understand better what another person wants (and it sounds much nicer, too) if she says in kind words what she wants, instead of reprimanding what she is critical of. Instead of "don't be late" why not try "please be on time, we begin at 8AM sharp?"   Instead of "your table manners are terrible" try "fork in the left and knife in the right hand." Instead of "you forgot your homework again (grumble grumble)" try "it makes my life a lot easier if you hand your homework in on time, and I can give you a better grade, too."  Instead of "don't you scratch my couch" try "here is a great scratching post for you."

Drop the hammer, pick up a feather.

you do have a choice

               Oftentimes we don't realize that we have a choice, we simply react and do, because we are on autopilot. But we do. We have a choice of how to react to someone or to something. I was in a meditation class last night and another attendee explained how potholes make him very angry, and how they trigger the same reaction in him every time.  He gets so mad at the authorities for not doing anything about springtime holes in the road. It is quite liberating to realize that you have a choice of how to react. You could of course become angry every time you encounter a pothole, but that becomes silly after a while, and it's not of much use. You upset yourself and the pothole doesn't improve. You could call up the authorities and make them aware of a particularly large and deep pothole that endangers other drivers as well (I did that a few years back and they actually filled the pothole in question pretty quickly). That is empowering - but you can't call up about every pothole. Or you could decide that you no longer wanted to react to that emotional pothole anger trigger and just let it go. So what? It's just a pothole, big deal. Choices....

Some choices are more painful than others. When our head struggles with our heart, and when the head wins and the heart loses it creates even more pain. But the choice is still your's.  Consider taking a deep breath before reacting to an emotional trigger person, your mother-in-law or perhaps the noisy neighbor, then remember that you don't have to react with anger, that it is your choice. The ego is reactionary and wants revenge, but at what cost? Tit for tat, of course. The higher self will say "forget about it, it's unimportant, let it go, forgive." That's a more freeing choice.

act of random kindness

A few days ago I had to take my car back to the auto body shop to fix a small chip-off I had previously overlooked when they repaired some deer damage. When I came to pick up the car and pulled out my wallet they said "no charge." I was floored. I had never before experienced an act of random kindness (although this wasn't entirely random) and was so surprised and grateful. It was amazing how this little event lifted and improved my mood for the rest of the day.  Don't underestimate the enormous influence, good and bad, you have on all the people you encounter during the day.  Your attitude reverberates out and out because it not only infects the people you have direct contact with, but also influences those next down the line and on and on.  Imagine how much good a smile, a kind word, a helping hand or a word of encouragement can do.

more compassion, less hubris

Compassionate communication is about respecting the other person, trying to understand her feelings and motives, and responding with consideration and empathy.

This past week, as SONY's dilemma about the movie The Interview was unfolding I noticed some comments on social media that struck me as particularly one sided. I read things like "the US never backs down" and "if we give in we are compromising our freedom of speech."

There is a fine line between exercising freedom of speech and hurting or disrespecting others. Freedom of speech does not mean brash disregard or lack of respect for someone who thinks differently. After all, how would you feel if someone said to your face "that is some ugly outfit you're wearing?" Would you really think "she is entitled to voice her opinion, I am totally ok with hearing that?" No, you would find it offensive if someone spoke to you like that, and you would probably say so.

Just saying….                                        ...please also revisit an earlier post on compassionate communication.

imaginary enemies

"You make enemies, they don't really exist," my wise 13-year old daughter said the other day while we were driving to the library.    Did you nod your head just now, or did you think "huh?" Here's the thing, at least from my perspective. Our beliefs shape our reality, and our reality, at least to a large extent, shapes itself around our beliefs. Suppose you feel really vulnerable and are fearful of someone breaking into your house. If this is a prevailing thought you play over and over in your mind, you may well be setting yourself up to experience just what you fear.

When you understand the world around you as dangerous and adversarial, when you see people as "other" and treat them with mistrust because "well, you never know," when you believe you need to fight a cause or someone, you are making imaginary enemies. That is why some of our ways don't work so well, because we "fight" an illness, we "fight" pests and weeds, we "fight" obesity, we "fight back."

Instead, let's cooperate, let's work together, let's try to understand, let's try to be compassionate - with others, with ourselves, with the environment. If you put out with your thoughts, beliefs and expectations more of what you actually want to experience you will get more of that back.   They had a point in the 60s when they said to make love not war.  Enemies are imaginary because we make them up in our mind.      Also take a look at an earlier related post "love those germs."